Global Domination

Audio Autopsy - June 2007

01/06/07  ||  Global Domination

Trouble: Simple mind condition

6/10

Chazz: Just like Candlemass, this isn’t my “thing”, but for what it is, it’s a well done album. I can’t imagine a Trouble fan wanting to miss this one. 5

Ripper Bendix: This album is hopefully going to win this damn edition or else there’s no fucken justice in the world. Okay…I KNOW there’s no justice or else I’d be very drunk and piss-rich in the Bahamas now with Salma Hayek on my dick. 8

Syrrok: Why do I have a feeling that Trouble and Thin Lizzy tagged team chicks non-stop throughout the early dayz? I’m so indifferent to this band that I’m goin back to my living room to watch Cosby Show reruns. 3

Hanging Limbs: I once saw a little kid wearing a shirt that said “I’m Trouble” on it. He sucked. So does this. 3

Farlus: Wow…I’ve always heard good things about Trouble, but I’ve never listened to them. I’ve missed so fucking much…great band. Best album of this AA, hands down. Candidate for album of the year. 9

Fishermane: We all know Trouble don’t belong here, but fuck this album is alright. I think my main mane Stephen “The Phoenix of Love” Fallen reviewed this properly, so to actual Trouble fans, give this a chance. I was seriously impressed. 8

Immolation: Shadows in the light

5.8/10

Chazz: I really hope the production here is some sort of trick their record label is trying to use to keep this album from being shared online. I have a feeling there is a halfway decent album here, I just wish I could hear it a bit more clearly. 5

Ripper Bendix: As I shoved this album to my I-Pod, via the use of my mighty penis of doom, I actually believed to have made a conversion mistake or something. This fucker crashes and rumbles more than a spastic with diarrhea and a ball gag. Apart from the production that hurts my ears it is a nice effort in death metal. At least I think so. I didn’t listen to more than two of their songs because it sounded so bad. Aw, fuck it. I love Immolation and saw them play foosball with Undercroft and Krisiun, and I had a fucken blast. 7

Syrrok: If you listen closely there is an almost inaudible low rumbling, that resembling a deep fart, behind this entire album. When you listen to the poorly tracked instruments you can hear it. When you listen to the Grvm nature of this endeavor, you hear it. It flashes to the front ever so fucken predominantly. What all these words mean is that perhaps if I could hear the music I could judge this album. 3

Hanging Limbs: Holy production suck Batman! It sounds like the instruments are being flushed down a toilet and are fighting to stay afloat. Haha, “float” is a funny word, especially when you add an “er” to it. Production aside, Immolation had made yet another good death metal album that will fail to give them any exposure. 7

Farlus: This is a band that I wish I could make this kind of comment on: “Fucken Immolation…these fuckers blew shit away back in ’91 and they still rule today. One of the best of the past fifteen years”. Unfortunately I’ve only been listening to metal for about 9 years, and I haven’t heard much of the band. This album is pretty good, though. It could use some production assistance, but besides that, it’s groovy. 7

Fishermane: Ein blindes Huhn findet auch mal ein Korn. In other words, a blind chicken finds a grain once in a while. Too bad Immolation aren’t blind. A respectable band with a respectable past, this album is quite decent. The production could use some help, but Immolation are beyond that. Good release, just not as good as Club Tropicana. 6

Candlemass: King of the grey islands

5.7/10

Chazz: What is this, Dio??? I suppose if you like your metal doomy, and in the traditional old-school way, this is right up your alley. For what it is, it’s quality stuff, just not my bag. 4

Ripper Bendix: Hahaha, now then…. I could tell you that this band doesn’t need Messiah to exist – but to be frank… there is a band coming up that has already perfected the way Candlemass sound now. And that band is Firegod. Without the voluminous monk in front I’ll have to pit both bands against each other and Firegod wins. 5

Syrrok: I truly appreciate the scene these guys set up back in the day. So if this was a “thanks a lot for your hard work and influencing other bands” review, they’d get big marks. But this is about “king of grey islands,” which is a solid enough effort but just draining to listen to more than once. 4

Hanging Limbs: I’m coming out of the closet: I’m a Candlemass newb. Scratch that, I’m a fucken nub. Doom metal in general doesn’t interest me all that much so I never gave these guys a proper listen. This album is decent, but it hasn’t convinced me I was wrong. 6

Farlus: Leif Edling continues to show his genius with this new album. This fucker just dominates in every way. Robert Lowe, the new singer, is ridiculously good. I have no smart ass comments for this album, just praise and devil horns. 9

Fishermane: Unter den Blinden ist der Einäugige der König. In other words, among the blind, the one-eyed man is king. Yeah, just ask Candlemass, they’ll tell you all about it. Right? Too bad they can’t play for shit. Obviously, these guys have talent and a respectable past, but it’s a tough call. Old-school fans might have a hard time dealing with this, while fans of the newer material will appreciate it, just not as much as some of their newer releases. 6

Carnal Forge: Testify for my victims

5.7/10

Chazz: Thrashy metal with lots of yelling. I never understood why these guys aren’t as well known as other bands in the genre (The Haunted for example). They are every bit as good, and with this album, they prove they still got “it”. 7

Ripper Bendix: Somehow Carnal Forge and Soilwork always went hand in hand in my mind. Probably because I got into them at roughly the same time and saw them both at the With Full Force festival one year and got mistaken for a Swedish dude during their gigs. Those were the good times. The bad times are all collected here on this CD, though. 4

Syrrok: Some or one of the guys from Scar Symmetry is in this band, right? That alone gives them some points, but there is still much to be desired. Plenty of tricky guitar playing will keep your attention (way too much on the higher 3 strings though). 6

Hanging Limbs: I can’t believe these guys are still making music. This is similar to the Nightrage album reviewed a couple of months back, but thrashier…and shittier. 4

Farlus: I remember reviewing “Aren’t You Dead Yet?” for AA… wow, that was 3 years ago. It got a 5. This album is much better. Some killer thrash, but more in the vein of Meshuggah than anything else. I’m in a good mood, so this one will get a 7/10. 7

Fishermane: Du siehst den Wald vor lauter Bäumen nicht. In other words, you fail to see the forest because of all the trees. Trees aka generic thrash bands. CF are far from a shitty band so fans should definitely check them out, but I doubt this will win them many new admirers. I also doubt that new Lightning Wolf purse you got on eBay for 6 pesos will get you any women. 6

Samael: Solar soul

5.2/10

Chazz: I had no idea Samael was still around. They put out some really killer shit back in the day, way ahead of it’s time. This album, not so much. 6

Ripper Bendix: Solar power for the win! Or something. 4

Syrrok: Sticking to the type of music Samael enjoys for as long as they have is worth a few points. Listen to me; it’s as if I want to give them a “gold star” for effort. This band’s music being the way it is would greatly benefit from some better production. The structures and atmospheres literally beg for it. 5

Hanging Limbs: It sounds like Rotting Christ as done by Peter Tägtgren (in his Pain mindset). More than ever these guys sound like a studio-only band, but that doesn’t change the fact that there is quality popcorn popping in said studio. 6

Farlus: Kinda weird industrial type shit. Again, another band I never bothered to get into. It’s so-so. Beats the hell out of all the power metal this month, though. 4

Fishermane: Den Ast absägen, auf dem man sitzt. In other words, to saw off the branch you’re sitting on. I like Samael, but I guess I was sitting on “Ceremony of the Opposites”. Reviewers who live in the past and refute progression are gay, but I have “80s” tattooed on me in Roman numerals so it’s cool. Good album, but seriously lacking. 6

Cephalic Carnage: Xenosapien

5/10

Chazz: Decent production, decent vocals, decent guitars, decent drums… just decent. Nothing ever jumps past that point for me. 4

Ripper Bendix: Acoustic Copropraxia. 4

Syrrok: One thing keeping this band from the main lights of heavy metal stardom is perhaps the fact that the band’s name can’t be pronounced out loud. 4

Hanging Limbs: I used to wear their “Exploiting Dysfunction” tour shirt in high school despite the fact that I never saw them live. Thankfully this album is more interesting than that story. 8

Farlus: Two listens and no thoughts really. So this album is terribly average. 4

Fishermane: Eile mit Weile aka hurry with leisure aka slower is faster. This becomes interesting in CC’s case. Regardless of what you think of CC, you have to respect their originality. Grind. Death. SNL. Mark Twain. I always thought “Exploiting Dysfunction” was their best, but this is a respectable follow-up to “Anomalies”. Not as fucked, but still fucked. As I’ve learned from my AA meetings, fucked is good. 6

Neurosis: Given to the rising

4.8/10

Chazz: Not a fan, never been a fan, but somehow, this grew on me a bit. I’m going to give it a few more listens before passing final judgment, so for now it’s a 5

Ripper Bendix: Neurosis, Oldrosis, Red Roses, Testoste-rones, Cojones. Ramalamadingdongdones. This AA sucksosis. 6

Syrrok: Some old guys back into it. Neurosis is another one of those bands whose tour t-shirt you’ll see on more bands comprised of 18 yr olds than most. My theory is that Neurosis was smart enough to pick a catchy enough moniker, one that appeals to non-metal fans as well. I don’t know how else to explain it. It certainly isn’t the music. 3

Hanging Limbs: Someone Email Me a 500-word essay about why the hell I should waste my time with this band. 2

Farlus: Wow, I’ve known about Neurosis for about 10 years now but never really took the time to listen. This is some really, really cool stuff. I can see where bands like Pelican get their inspiration. Back catalog inspiration, this album is. To Obi-Wan you listen, hmmmm?? 8

Fishermane: Bellende Hunde beißen nicht. In other words, barking dogs don’t bite. Not only did this dog not bite, but he looked at me and snarled “Hey bitch, to fully respect and rate this album objectively, you need to know my band and understand my past accomplishments”. I just stood there and cuddled with my pet gerbil, wondering how this dog could talk… 5

Paradise Lost: In requiem

4.8/10

Chazz: This isn’t half bad, especially compared to their last album. At this rate, they should be really fucken good in around 2012. 5

Ripper Bendix: This is pretty good fucken shit. “Your Own Reality” sounds like a fucken Peter Heppner song, though. Two spins and I am appropriately depressed. I still miss the old Paradise Lost – and I never even LIKED the old Paradise Lost. 6

Syrrok: A step in the right direction based solely on their last effort. Based on anything else we don’t hold up too well. I love and respect the dreams of this band, just not enough to endorse them to metal fans that don’t have the time to listen to not the best stuff. 3

Hanging Limbs: I don’t know how James Hetfield finds time for this side project with Trivium almost always touring. 5

Farlus: I keep listening to this album hoping that magically the perfect statement about it will pop into my head. Then I realized that’s the kind of shit those “high quality” metal sites do. Basically, the album is good, and I’d really enjoy it live. However, after numerous listens, I feel kind of agitated that I’ve had to listen to these songs enough to know that I’ve heard them before. Weird, I know. But that means it gets a 5/10. 5

Fishermane: Alte Liebe rostet nicht. In other words, old flames never die. I beg to differ. So does my gerbil. LOL! ROFLMAO! 5

Mayhem: Ordo ad chao

4.3/10

Chazz: I never got into the last 14 Mayhem albums, and this one isn’t doing much to change my mind. I dig some of the riffs here and there but the vocals aren’t good for much more than laughs. 3

Ripper Bendix: Mayhem: the funny clown suit for Black Metal. 3

Syrrok: Wouldn’t it be fun to see Mayhem perform at a “festival in the park” type event? Ya know, balloon animals, cotton candy, carousel, and Satan. As my review of this effort reflects, nothing anyone says will make people listen or not listen to this band. 5

Hanging Limbs: Jesus 1, Mayhem 0. 3

Farlus: These guys are legends and no one can touch that. However, they still continue to deliver, when a lesser band would have tarnished their reputation by now. This is one of few albums I’ve listened to where muddy production works for the album’s benefit. I think at many points it veers off into trveness to which I am not appreciative all, but for the most part these guys still dominate. 6

Fishermane: Die dümmsten Bauern ernten die dicksten Kartoffeln. In other words, the most stupid farmers harvest the biggest potatoes. So why aren’t these potatoes huge? Being a big fan of dirty old-school black metal, I hoped to love this. The production is dirty, the riffs are gritty, but I didn’t fall in love with this as I should have. Still, evil fans should give this a spin or two. 6

Morgana LeFay: Aberrations of the mind

4.2/10

Chazz: Power metal with extra power. And cheese. 3

Ripper Bendix: Yay, I am halfway through with reviewing and the bands just keep getting gayer and gayer. 4

Syrrok: “Dark power metal?” “Brutal power metal?” “Hot dog power metal?” Power metal by any other name is still power metal, and thus every band that claims this tag exists in a very paradoxical fashion. Where’s the power? I see the dragons, but where’s the power? 3

Hanging Limbs: This awkward mix of thrash, heavy, and power metal is decent at best and a toboggan ride through raw sewage at worst. The vocals are the most interesting part, sounding like a cross between Blackie Lawless and Jon Oliva with some Attila-like freak outs here and there. Fun, but hit or miss. 5

Farlus: This power metal is accessible like crack is to Lindsey Lohan. The vocals get gay at times, but it IS power metal. Not phenomenal, not terrible, but probably a good transition bands for those bi-curious about their metal. 5

Fishermane: Der Apfel fällt nicht weit vom Stamm. In other words, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. This apple is quite ripe, but the tree is quite gay. P.S. Me and Farlus had a great time on our honeymoon. Except for that Kamelot concert. 5

Shadows Fall: Threads of life

3.5/10

Chazz: I thought these guys were going to save the metal scene here in the US… what happened? The clean singing and overabundance guitar solos are enough to totally write this band off, this type of shit is yet another punch in the balls to the scene here in the States. Thanks, assholes. 2

Ripper Bendix: Get me the fuck out of here! This AA is covered in puke and pubic hair from all fucken sides and somebody stole my broom and shovel. 1

Syrrok: Too many musicians interested in shredding rather than writing good songs. Thus is the case with Shadow’s Fall, and here it is again. Shreddy shreddy mcfat-tits and the wafers just need a few lessons in groove and we’re in business. 5

Hanging Limbs: Remember in 2000 or so when these guys popped up and most real metalheads wrote them off as just another shitty In Flames clone? Ah, the good old days. 4

Farlus: This band has come a long way, but this albums feels like a step sideways or even backward. They’ve cut back on the growls in favor of clean singing, and it just seems less heavy. After five years they were finally starting to grow on me, and now this…tough break. 4

Fishermane: Den Teufel nicht an die Wand malen. In other words, do not to paint the devil on the wall. Just like that scene in Amityville 2 when the kids disobeyed. And that scene in Cool Runnings when John Candy knocked out Chuck Liddell. No, I mean these guys are ok but fuck; this album is the equivalent of an unscrupulous music critic employing esoteric German proverbs to comment on half-ass albums. 5

Six Feet Under: The commandment

3.2/10

Chazz: This album is less-worse than the last few. As much as they talked about getting back to the sound they had on Haunted, I gave this a shot. I really wanted to like this, especially with Barnes being involved with that last Torture Killer album. Disappointed!!! 3

Ripper Bendix: One fucken day people will realize how hard SFU fucken suck. Is it that time now? No? Damn. 2

Syrrok: Sigh. Just not my stuff. I’d listen to torture killer over this. 2

Hanging Limbs: I can see myself enjoying this more when I’m drunk, but by that time I’m usually listening to 80’s cheese and watching “Ninja Warrior.” 4

Farlus: Read my review for my full thoughts. Chris Barnes is a piece of shit and so is this album. He eats pieces of shit like this for breakfast. 3

Fishermane: GD seems to have no love for SFU, but the Mane does. Unfortunately, aside from the killer riff displayed on “Ghosts of the Undead”, there’s not much substance here. At this point, I reckon that Barnes and the boys are around 4 and a half feet under. Attempts at sounding “catchy” are quickly overshadowed by painful redundancy. Just ask your girlfriend, she knows about painful redundancy. 5

Nocturnal Rites: The 8th sin

2.8/10

Chazz: I’d be embarrassed if someone caught me listening to this. Metal is made for gettin’ rowdy, drinkin’ beer, and those hot Summer nights, driving around with the windows down, and the volume cranked in the stereo; but this… this would get you laughed at. And probably your ass kicked.1

Ripper Bendix: CURSE YOUUUUU FOR MAKING ME LISTEN TO FUCKEN NOCTURNAL RITES AGAIN! CURRRRRRRSE YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 1

Syrrok: Are Kamelot, Morgana Lefay, and Nocturnal Rites going out on the “Summer Dream Odyssey of eternal gothic mirrors” 2007 world tour? I imagine this could work out perfectly. I like some of the piano/keyboard stuff on this album a lot. Someone’s got vision in this band. Maybe he can share it. 4

Hanging Limbs: I may as well turn in my nuts along with my GD staff resignation. GO NOCTURNAL RITES!!!!

Just kidding. 5

Farlus: Yawn. Nocturnal emissions are more interesting than this, and they stink less. 2

Fishermane: Alle Wege führen nach Rom. In other words, all roads lead to Rome. I beg to differ. Nocturnal Talent’s road leads to Shit. 4

Hellyeah: Hellyeah

2.3/10

Chazz: What little bit of respect Vinnie Paul had that was left after Damageplan “rocked” our world, has been obliterated by Hellyeah. This is modern day buttrock at it’s worst, I couldn’t find anything on this album I liked. I feel like I just totally wasted 40 minutes of my life listening to this pile of horseshit, thank you Nathan Gale. 2

Ripper Bendix: “Fucken Awful” doesn’t quite hit it. HELL NO doesn’t either. Let’s just say that back then when Pantera made cock-rock they were better and more manly than this crap here. The German metal press is all over this bullshit album and praises it to high heaven – as is their tendency. Time to wake up, idiots. If it’s crap, fucken SAY it! Thank papa Satan for Global Domination. 2

Syrrok: It is very hard finding positive things to say about this band’s music. The idea in and of itself is one thing – drinkin, fun times, raddle-scootin’ on the geetar! But the music is attrocious, reeks of rehearsal space material, and kinda makes me sad. 2

Hanging Limbs: Someone asked me if I wanted to break this cd over my skull and smear monkey feces on it. Know what I said? “Hell Yeah!” 2

Farlus: Thank Satan Vinnie Paul is back doing drums. Unfortunately it’s for a shit band. Mudvayne singer, you’re from fucking Illinois – quit your attempt at being a Southerner. Go back to slitting your wrists with your second rate nu-metal band. 2

Fishermane: Ein Unglück kommt selten allein. In other words, a disaster seldom comes alone. Fuck that, Hellyeah might say otherwise. While I have a feeling my boys are gonna hate this shite, I thought it was half-decent. Of course, Vinnie by his “rep” alone can’t save this. It is what it is. Call it yourself. 4

Kamelot: Ghost opera

2.3/10

Chazz: This is gayer than the gayest thing that has ever existed, times 10. 1

Ripper Bendix: Kamelot! Kamelot! Kamelot! Kamelot!
It’s only a model. SHHHHH 1

Syrrok: Ribaldry and Scallywag forth put thou! I doth forsake the cries of the lower galleries! Light shineth upon thou in concert with the resounding display of puissance that marks this musical nosegay! Doth tragic and wicked news befalls the foemen of Kamelot in this, their latest musical endeavor, fall short of the Sunday hunt and Falcon trapping nonsense! 3

Hanging Limbs: Kamelot is a great band, but this album takes a nosedive into Shitsylvania halfway through. Stick with, oh, just about everything else they’ve put out. 5

Farlus: To both Kamelot fans: this album blows. 1

Fishermane: Eine Kuh macht Muh, viele Kühe machen Mühe. In other words, one cow moos, many cows make effort. What the fuck? Don’t blame me; blame the “101 German Proverbs Book to abuse while trying to write up your half-ass insignificant pseudo-witty AA comments at the last minute while completely smashed”. Either way, it’s just a model. 3